I Hate Sping

Yes, yes I know it's been a long-ass time since my last post.  Believe me I have A TON of things to bitch about, and by "things" I mean people.  Unfortunately most of these people are still in my life, so I am not yet free to talk shit about them on here.  Believe-you-me when I finally get out of this godforsaken shithole I will have plenty to say about them.  But for the time being, let me tell you about my least favorite season.

Spring. I hate spring. Spring is the worst fucking season. Of all four seasons, spring is the one I cannot stand. Allow me to elaborate:

Everyone is fucking happy.  What is it about fucking spring that makes people so goddamn happy??  It's like all of a sudden everyone goes from Grumpy Cat to Dora the Explorer on crack.  It's the worst.  At least during the summer, the heat becomes so unbearable that even the happiest of people become uncomfortable and are driven indoors.  My favorite season is winter, precisely because the cold and the snow keeps people indoors and suppresses their annoying happiness.  When other people are miserable, I feel better about my own misery.

It's warm.  And as if being warm wasn't bad enough, the administration doesn't understand that when it's not 20 fucking degrees outside you don't need to run the heat at full blast.  It's warm outside and it's like a fucking sauna in every classroom.  At least during the summer they have the decency to turn on the A/C.

It's humid.  As if being deprived of A/C wasn't already miserable enough, it's also 80% humidity.  Be prepared for your shirt to stick to the back of the seat in all the classrooms.  You're gonna need a spare deodorant in your bookbag.  #FuckingGross

Everything happening on campus - Alumni Weekend, Homecoming, Spring Fair, Graduation, etc.  Adding to everyone's general happiness are a million goddamn events specifically designed to draw out the happy socialites.  And these events draw happy people not just from the dorms, but from far and wide.  As if the influx of happy people wasn't already awful, they take up ALL the parking around campus.  I challenge you to find a parking place on or near campus during any of these events - if you succeed I will personally deliver you a gold star commending your incredible achievement.

The kids who pretend to be homeless.  Even when there isn't an event happening (which is never), all these happy people LOITER on the goddamn quads.  And the administration encourages it by placing those hideous cheap colorful chairs all over the goddamn place.  One of the most beautiful things about winter is that you can walk around campus and you're usually completely alone.  It's peaceful and serene that way.  In the spring our campus becomes a certifiable human zoo.

Spring Break.  You would think having a break would be a good thing, no?  Spring Break is awful.  It's not really a break because every professor I've ever had still assigns a metric shit-ton of work to be completed over it.  And then to add insult to injury, you get to see all the photos on Facebook of the privileged kids who have thousands of dollars to piss away on a vacation trip to some exotic island where they get to show off their scantily-clad perfect bodies on the beach.  Maybe I'm jelly.  No that would be a lie, I am definitely jelly.  And that's just fine because it gives me yet another thing to bitch about.

Now I know you're thinking that I'm simply a horrible misanthropic Scrooge who is impossible to please - and you would be right.  However, there is always a silver lining...  McDonald's usually runs a special on the Filet-O-Fish during Lent.  I sincerely thank God for giving me at least one good reason to live through spring.

Alcohol is the Devil

Throughout my whole teenage/adult life I never really had a strong desire to drink...  It seems like kids these days (oh jeesus I really am a crotchety old man) start drinking so young!  But I never actually drank so eventually I figured fuck it I'm just gonna wait until I'm 21 years old and I'll do it legitimately.

Well now I'm 21 years old, and I have had my first drunk experience.  And *spoiler alert* it was AWFUL.  Like seriously kids I'm telling you - stay away from alcohol, that shit is the devil.  I'm only recounting this story because it's hilarious and it's a great example of what not to do.

It all began when me and two of my friends (who I shall refer to "Sam" and "Gibby" since they asked me to not use their real names, because apparently they do not want the honor of being forever enshrined in the annals of Hopkins Bitching history) decided that we needed to celebrate our 21st birthdays by buying and consuming alcohol.  So we set out on a quest to get liquor with no idea of what we wanted or why we wanted it.

When we got to the liquor store, we got a cart and began to browse the enormous selection.  Like oh my god I never realized there are so many different kinds of alcohol!  After cluelessly wandering around the store for a while like the lost amateur I was, I finally chose some things.  I decided to buy some really shitty kosher wine because it is supposed to taste like grape juice.  I also decided to buy some rum because I love Coke, and rum and Coke is supposed to be a good combination.  I also bought some Irish cream because apparently it just tastes like creamy coffee.  And lastly I bought some hard apple cider because I hoped it would just taste like apple juice.  I ended up not even touching the Irish cream or the hard apple cider, so I will never know what they actually taste like.

We then came back to my apartment and began with the shitty wine.  It was really really shitty.  Like jeesus it was just bitter and terrible and ughhh.  After a glass of that, Sam decided to pop open a bottle of this other peach coconut sparkly thing she bought and we each had a glass of that.  Then I wanted to try the rum and Coke.  I didn't really like the taste of it, so we came up with the great idea (sarcasm) to just start taking straight shots of the rum.

Keep in mind that while we were doing this, we were also playing The Last of Us (a super amazing PS3 zombie apocalypse shooter game if you're unaware).  Since Gibby was playing, we came up with this drinking game where every time he did something notable (like getting a headshot, or killing two zombies at once, etc.), we would take a shot.  This led to the consumption of the entire bottle of rum between the three of us.  It wasn't a small bottle either, it was at least an entire liter.

Since consuming the whole bottle of rum negatively impacted Gibby's abilities in the game, Sam came up with a new game - every time he died in the game, he had to remove an article of clothing.  As you're probably wondering, yes, he did wind up completely naked.  It was also at this time that my poor roommate emerged from his room to get a cup of water, only to discover all of us completely wasted and one of us also completely naked.

*Side note* Isn't it hilarious that I finally had a naked guy in my apartment, but it wasn't one that I actually wanted to see naked?  LOL #StoryOfMyLife

Now this is when things began to go downhill.  And they went downhill very quickly.  Gibby got sick first - he made a bee-line to the bathroom and began vomiting.  Sam apaprently has an iron liver, because she just passed out on the couch and was sound asleep like a baby.  So I had to comfort Gibby while he was throwing up.  And he continued to throw up for over an hour.  Like the poor kid, he was over that toilet for as long as it would take Kim Kardashian to read an encyclopedia.

After having comforted him, it finally caught up with me.  He had passed out on the toilet, so I shoved him off it and then I began vomiting.  Fortunately I wasn't there for an hour like he was, but it was still a large quantity of vomit and it was as disgusting as you imagine it to be.  I really hate throwing up, like ughhh it is just the worst.  I really don't understand how people can be bulimic like jeesus I hate vomiting so much.  Finally, by some merciful act of god, Gibby and Sam managed to get home safely and I was able to go to sleep.

I woke up at around noon the next day, and the first thing I did was vomit again.  I was sick the entire day.  I couldn't eat or drink anything.  I even tried to take some Pepto Bismol to alleviate the nausea, but I instantly threw that up as well.  It actually took me more than a full day to completely recover.  I guess I really am an amateur.

So anyways in the end I returned the other stuff we didn't drink to the store, and I have no desire to drink again any time soon.  I am perfectly happy to just have plain old Coca-Cola from now on.