I Hate Sping

Yes, yes I know it's been a long-ass time since my last post.  Believe me I have A TON of things to bitch about, and by "things" I mean people.  Unfortunately most of these people are still in my life, so I am not yet free to talk shit about them on here.  Believe-you-me when I finally get out of this godforsaken shithole I will have plenty to say about them.  But for the time being, let me tell you about my least favorite season.

Spring. I hate spring. Spring is the worst fucking season. Of all four seasons, spring is the one I cannot stand. Allow me to elaborate:

Everyone is fucking happy.  What is it about fucking spring that makes people so goddamn happy??  It's like all of a sudden everyone goes from Grumpy Cat to Dora the Explorer on crack.  It's the worst.  At least during the summer, the heat becomes so unbearable that even the happiest of people become uncomfortable and are driven indoors.  My favorite season is winter, precisely because the cold and the snow keeps people indoors and suppresses their annoying happiness.  When other people are miserable, I feel better about my own misery.

It's warm.  And as if being warm wasn't bad enough, the administration doesn't understand that when it's not 20 fucking degrees outside you don't need to run the heat at full blast.  It's warm outside and it's like a fucking sauna in every classroom.  At least during the summer they have the decency to turn on the A/C.

It's humid.  As if being deprived of A/C wasn't already miserable enough, it's also 80% humidity.  Be prepared for your shirt to stick to the back of the seat in all the classrooms.  You're gonna need a spare deodorant in your bookbag.  #FuckingGross

Everything happening on campus - Alumni Weekend, Homecoming, Spring Fair, Graduation, etc.  Adding to everyone's general happiness are a million goddamn events specifically designed to draw out the happy socialites.  And these events draw happy people not just from the dorms, but from far and wide.  As if the influx of happy people wasn't already awful, they take up ALL the parking around campus.  I challenge you to find a parking place on or near campus during any of these events - if you succeed I will personally deliver you a gold star commending your incredible achievement.

The kids who pretend to be homeless.  Even when there isn't an event happening (which is never), all these happy people LOITER on the goddamn quads.  And the administration encourages it by placing those hideous cheap colorful chairs all over the goddamn place.  One of the most beautiful things about winter is that you can walk around campus and you're usually completely alone.  It's peaceful and serene that way.  In the spring our campus becomes a certifiable human zoo.

Spring Break.  You would think having a break would be a good thing, no?  Spring Break is awful.  It's not really a break because every professor I've ever had still assigns a metric shit-ton of work to be completed over it.  And then to add insult to injury, you get to see all the photos on Facebook of the privileged kids who have thousands of dollars to piss away on a vacation trip to some exotic island where they get to show off their scantily-clad perfect bodies on the beach.  Maybe I'm jelly.  No that would be a lie, I am definitely jelly.  And that's just fine because it gives me yet another thing to bitch about.

Now I know you're thinking that I'm simply a horrible misanthropic Scrooge who is impossible to please - and you would be right.  However, there is always a silver lining...  McDonald's usually runs a special on the Filet-O-Fish during Lent.  I sincerely thank God for giving me at least one good reason to live through spring.

Alcohol is the Devil

Throughout my whole teenage/adult life I never really had a strong desire to drink...  It seems like kids these days (oh jeesus I really am a crotchety old man) start drinking so young!  But I never actually drank so eventually I figured fuck it I'm just gonna wait until I'm 21 years old and I'll do it legitimately.

Well now I'm 21 years old, and I have had my first drunk experience.  And *spoiler alert* it was AWFUL.  Like seriously kids I'm telling you - stay away from alcohol, that shit is the devil.  I'm only recounting this story because it's hilarious and it's a great example of what not to do.

It all began when me and two of my friends (who I shall refer to "Sam" and "Gibby" since they asked me to not use their real names, because apparently they do not want the honor of being forever enshrined in the annals of Hopkins Bitching history) decided that we needed to celebrate our 21st birthdays by buying and consuming alcohol.  So we set out on a quest to get liquor with no idea of what we wanted or why we wanted it.

When we got to the liquor store, we got a cart and began to browse the enormous selection.  Like oh my god I never realized there are so many different kinds of alcohol!  After cluelessly wandering around the store for a while like the lost amateur I was, I finally chose some things.  I decided to buy some really shitty kosher wine because it is supposed to taste like grape juice.  I also decided to buy some rum because I love Coke, and rum and Coke is supposed to be a good combination.  I also bought some Irish cream because apparently it just tastes like creamy coffee.  And lastly I bought some hard apple cider because I hoped it would just taste like apple juice.  I ended up not even touching the Irish cream or the hard apple cider, so I will never know what they actually taste like.

We then came back to my apartment and began with the shitty wine.  It was really really shitty.  Like jeesus it was just bitter and terrible and ughhh.  After a glass of that, Sam decided to pop open a bottle of this other peach coconut sparkly thing she bought and we each had a glass of that.  Then I wanted to try the rum and Coke.  I didn't really like the taste of it, so we came up with the great idea (sarcasm) to just start taking straight shots of the rum.

Keep in mind that while we were doing this, we were also playing The Last of Us (a super amazing PS3 zombie apocalypse shooter game if you're unaware).  Since Gibby was playing, we came up with this drinking game where every time he did something notable (like getting a headshot, or killing two zombies at once, etc.), we would take a shot.  This led to the consumption of the entire bottle of rum between the three of us.  It wasn't a small bottle either, it was at least an entire liter.

Since consuming the whole bottle of rum negatively impacted Gibby's abilities in the game, Sam came up with a new game - every time he died in the game, he had to remove an article of clothing.  As you're probably wondering, yes, he did wind up completely naked.  It was also at this time that my poor roommate emerged from his room to get a cup of water, only to discover all of us completely wasted and one of us also completely naked.

*Side note* Isn't it hilarious that I finally had a naked guy in my apartment, but it wasn't one that I actually wanted to see naked?  LOL #StoryOfMyLife

Now this is when things began to go downhill.  And they went downhill very quickly.  Gibby got sick first - he made a bee-line to the bathroom and began vomiting.  Sam apaprently has an iron liver, because she just passed out on the couch and was sound asleep like a baby.  So I had to comfort Gibby while he was throwing up.  And he continued to throw up for over an hour.  Like the poor kid, he was over that toilet for as long as it would take Kim Kardashian to read an encyclopedia.

After having comforted him, it finally caught up with me.  He had passed out on the toilet, so I shoved him off it and then I began vomiting.  Fortunately I wasn't there for an hour like he was, but it was still a large quantity of vomit and it was as disgusting as you imagine it to be.  I really hate throwing up, like ughhh it is just the worst.  I really don't understand how people can be bulimic like jeesus I hate vomiting so much.  Finally, by some merciful act of god, Gibby and Sam managed to get home safely and I was able to go to sleep.

I woke up at around noon the next day, and the first thing I did was vomit again.  I was sick the entire day.  I couldn't eat or drink anything.  I even tried to take some Pepto Bismol to alleviate the nausea, but I instantly threw that up as well.  It actually took me more than a full day to completely recover.  I guess I really am an amateur.

So anyways in the end I returned the other stuff we didn't drink to the store, and I have no desire to drink again any time soon.  I am perfectly happy to just have plain old Coca-Cola from now on.

Professor Buttface's Final Act of Douchebaggery

Okay I know it's been a while.  I feel like every time I make a blog post now I have to include the requisite apology for not posting in a while...  Well I suppose my apologies don't hold much weight anymore but whatever, if you're mad at me you can just swerve.

So remember the new Professor Buttface who I hate so much?  Well I survived his class (gasp!).  As a matter of fact, I got a fucking A.  So if I got an A (which is a rare occurrence, believe me), how can I possibly have something to bitch about?

Well, earlier this semester, after having not attended any of his lectures for 2 consecutive weeks, I decided it was probably a good idea to switch the class to pass/fail.  This way I only had to get a C and I could walk away unharmed.  And being as the new Professor Buttface kept hyping up how hard the final exam was gonna be, I didn't want to risk hurting my GPA for a class that has no significance whatsoever.  Like I'm not exaggerating, this guy made it sound like the final exam was going to be tougher than FFC roast beef.  He told us "If you don't attend lecture, if you don't take good notes, or if you don't pay attention, YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

I heeded his warning.  I don't have time to play games.  Like if your final is going to be my death knell, that's cool because I took the appropriate precaution and switched your class to pass/fail.  He promised our exam was going to be comprised of 6 essays and a short-answer section.  He even gave us a list of 10 possible essay topics and it verbatim said "on the exam you will have to answer 6 of the following 10 questions."  In reality, the exam had only 3 essays and just 2 short answer questions.  Like seriously?  This guy is simply a douchebag.  Don't make us shit ourselves when you have no intention of actually fucking us.  UGHHHH  Thank God I never have to deal with this pathetic excuse for a teacher ever again.  I only have 2 things to say to him:

Sometimes You Just Can't Win...

So on this fine Saturday, I was bored and decided I wanted a new video game.  I could just download a game from the PlayStation Store to my PS3, but I'm old fashioned and prefer to buy my games on Blu-ray Disc.  IDK, there's just something about having the box and the manual and it being a tangible disc that I like.  The problem with this is that I wanted a game to play TODAY, so ordering from Amazon was out of the question.

After pondering for a while, I had the idea to check out if Walmart carried it.  Low and behold, Walmart did have it, and said "available for store pick-up TODAY."  "Perfect," I thought.  So I went ahead and ordered it for store pickup.

I arrived at Walmart about 3 hours later, and went back to the Walmart.com pick-up counter.  The lady pulls up my order, and goes to find the game.  Naturally God wouldn't have it any other way - they did not have the game.  She even went into the back to see if it was still in the loading dock, with no luck.  I asked her " So what were we going to do about this?"  She went and got her manager.  When the manager came out, she starts telling me "Yeah the system wasn't updated and we don't actually have it.  They already cancelled the order and refunded your money."  I was like "...how was I supposed to know this?"  Then this lady got super sassy with me (and I don't mean like gay BFF sassy, I mean like true bitch sassy) and says "Well you just gotta check your email and do whatever it says. Do what it tells you.  I can't do nothing about it."

Seeing as I was going to get nowhere with that cunt, I took a seat and called the Walmart.com customer support number.  After explaining what was going on, the guy gives me some long winded explanation about how Walmart stores and Walmart.com are two different entities and their systems are not synchronized, which is why the website said it was in stock when it was not actually in stock.  He says "Let me see if any other nearby Walmart has the item..."  He puts me on hold for 5 minutes.  When he comes back, he tells me a Walmart 20 miles away has it.  I said "look, THIS Walmart that I'm sitting in supposedly had the game in stock.  I came in today to buy a game so I could go home and play it.  I'm not driving all over goddamn creation, especially with the way your system works.  Can I just go choose a different game off the shelf?"  He tells me I can't since the order was automatically cancelled, so I would have to go find a game that's in stock and pay for it at the store.

So I go and find another game, but it is only available used.  I've never bought a used game before, but this was the only other game they had that I really wanted, so I said fuck it I'm just gonna go with this.  I then realized I didn't actually have the credit card that I used for the online order with me.  I ask a sales associate if I can make a new store-pickup order for this game (since that credit card was saved in my online account).  They said they weren't sure, but we could go up to the Customer Service desk at the front of the store to see if it could be done.

After walking all the way up there, that customer service person said they had no way to do it, but I could go back to the Walmart.com pick-up desk to see if they could do it.  Walking all the way back there (I'm really not exaggerating, it is literally all the way in the back of the store and this store is bigger than Paris Hilton's vagina), I repeat my story, and they said yes that's fine, but I would have to wait an additional 30 minutes for the order to come through to them before I could leave with the game.  I asked to see a different manager, so they went to get him.  I waited 15 minutes for this guy to appear.  When he finally comes out I tell him my story, but he gives me basically the same lecture about how Walmart and Walmart.com are two different things and such.  I said "look, I just want to go home and play my damn game, how can we do this?"  He was very nice and said "if you pay for the item here instead of ordering it on the website, I can give you a discount and you'll be out of here in five minutes."  Finally, I thought my ordeal was over.  He gave me the game for half the listed price and I just paid with cash (which is supposed to be my food money which is why I wanted to order it with a credit card in the first place).  After spending over an hour in Walmart, I finally have a game and I head home.

When I got home, I popped the disc in my PS3, opened a can of Coca-Cola, and propped my feet up.  I get the customary "Installing, Please Wait" screen...  But the bar never moves.  I try to quit the game and retry, but the PS3 is now frozen, so I have to unplug it to reset it.  I take the game out, clean it off, and try again.  The same thing happens again.  I repeat this process four more times, before finally giving up.  Turns out (according to the internet) that this is a widespread problem with the game, usually having to do with a scratched disc.  Even the slightest imperfection fucks up this particular game's installation process.  Why this game is so finicky I don't know, I have other games that are more scratched up than the arms of a cat person but they still work just fine.  Upon closer inspection, I notice there is a TINY little scratch on this game disc.  Why didn't they verify that the game worked before reselling it!?!?  Never again will I buy a used game.

So here I am, $20 poorer, after literally wasting my whole night at Walmart trying to get a goddamn game, and now the goddamn game that I would up with simply refuses to work.  Sometimes, you just can't win.

Funland a.k.a. Gettysburg College

Alright, I know you're disappointed in me.  "Where have you been the past three weeks," I'm sure you're thinking.  Well, I just haven't had my muse, which has made it impossible to write.  Fret no more, your prayers have been answered - here is a lengthy (oh baby) new post to satisfy your need for the T.  Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you about a trip I took a few weeks back.

I went to Gettysburg College to visit a friend and go to an drag show being put on by their LGBT group.  And to be honest, I really didn't expect much.  I was expecting a shitty party with a handful of people and a few butch guys trying to walk in heels.

Turns out, my expectations were shattered.  But first, let's start from the top.  After driving through the middle of nowhere, I arrived to find FREE PARKING.  If you don't live in the city, you probably take this for granted.  Free parking is as amazing as Lady Gaga simultaneously riding a unicorn and a disco stick.  Like seriously, in downtown Baltimore it's $2 per hour, and that's if you're even lucky enough to find a goddamn space.

We were hungry, so we went to their cafeteria for dinner.  This place is affectionately known as "Servo," and it puts the FFC to shame.  First thing I noticed, is how normal all the kids looked.  Like, everybody was just your typical average American college kid.  Nobody had that pretentious air of "I'm finding a cure for cancer with my research grant snarky snark snark" which most Hopkins kids seem to have.  It was just so refreshing to be in an environment where I didn't feel completely inferior to everyone.  And furthermore, these kids were HAPPY.  Like they were just generally happy to be alive.  I didn't realize such happiness was a real thing at college.

Once I got over looking at the happy people, I turned my attention to the food...  Behold! All the food was instantly recognizable!!  On this particular night, the appetizers included dumplings, chicken sammiches, and enchiladas.  And let me tell you, the dumplings they had were better than any Chinese restaurant in Baltimore.

**Side note - You know I love Charm City, but why the hell isn't there a single decent Chinese restaurant in this city??  Like seriously I have yet to find a half-decent Chinese place.  If you know of any PLEASE tell me!  This Jew needs his Chinese food fix.

Anyways, back to Servo.  For the dinner section, they had BBQ ribs, au gratin potatoes, and green beans.  Like OMFG, food that I actually know what it is!!!  I haven't been back to the FFC in 3 years, largely because I never knew what the fuck they were serving.  All I ever ate at the FFC was pizza and cereal, because those were the only two familar foods they had.  Like seriously, they were always experimenting with some weird-ass ethnic food and shit.  This is America goddammit, if I wanted that crap they call food I'd go to some third world country.

Anyways, then after dinner we went to the drag show.  Gettysburg College has a nightclub on campus.  Like step back for a moment and let that sink in.  They have a FUCKING NIGHTCLUB on campus.  And it is LEGIT.  It has a stage and an awesome light system and a big dance floor and A BAR.  A BAR THAT SERVES ALCOHOL.  Now granted, I don't drink, but still.  A LEGITIMATE BAR ON CAMPUS.  Like no wonder everybody at this place seems so fucking happy.  And once the show started, holy crap.  They actually hired REAL drag performers from Philly.  The show was fucking fantastic!!  One of the queens did a set of Whitney Houston - I still cannot explain how I didn't completely lose my composure for that one.

Moral of the story is that while Hopkins is an incredible academic environment, if you want to have a well-rounded college experience that doesn't make you wish that one of the crazy Baltimore City bus drivers would run you over, you should go somewhere else.  And Gettysburg would be a great choice.

Goddamn Fire Drill

I had a big paper due Monday at noon, so naturally I didn't start it until 3 AM Monday morning (some may say my procrastinitis has reached near-fatal status).  I stayed up the entire night working on it, and luckily I finished it right before class (miracles never cease)...

I got home from classes later that day at around 3 PM, and I was fucking exhausted.  Like I was more tired than Selena after spending the night at Justin's house.  So when I got to my room, I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed.  It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.  My bed literally felt better than seeing the look on a Democrat's face after a tax-reduction victory for the American people.

And then Hopkins struck.  "ALERT.  THERE HAS BEEN A FIRE EMERGENCY IN THE BUILDING.  PLEASE EXIT IMMEDIATELY BY THE NEAREST STAIRWELL."  In my state of half-consciousness I was like "what the fuckkk???".  Then I realized that Hopkins must have been tipped off about my nap and that this was actually happening.  I jumped out of bed, grabbed all the earthly possessions I could, and headed out of my room to climb down 12 GODDAMN FLIGHTS of stairs.

*Sidenote: Since there was an ACTUAL fire in the building last year, you never know whether it is just a drill or if one of the brilliant youths has lit their mattress on fire again.  Hopkins kids are supposed to be smart, right?  Some fucking idiot actually tried their hardest to burn down the building last year by leaving a "cigarette" (because HEAVENS NO a Hopkins student would NEVER be caught with marijuana) on their bed.  During this incident we were prevented from re-entering the building for 7 HOURS.  Also all of the floors below the 9th floor were completely flooded from the sprinklers that went off...  The flood also broke both elevators and they were out of order for 8 days after the incident.  Moral of this story: Hopkins kids are literally fucking retarded.

Back to my story, after descending from the stratospheric height of the 12th floor, we are forced to wait outside in the rain for 15 minutes.  Mind you I'm literally in my pajamas and an undershirt.  All the RAs are barking orders at us to clear the sidewalk and go to the other side of the street.  Umm, excuse me?  Do you know who the fuck I am?  I am not going to the other side of the goddamn street, I am waiting right here in front of the building with a scowl on my face until your stupid little event is over.  The RAs all think they're so fucking superior during these drills, it's as if they actually believe they have authority over us.  It's kind of cute actually like awwww look at the little sad people trying to assert authority.  I only respect the authority of the Baltimore Police and Fire Departments, thank you very much.

*Sidenote 2: What is the point of fire drills??  Like seriously, it is not that difficult of a concept to master.  When the alarm goes off you grab your shit and leave.  It really does not require practice.  If some people don't know what to do when the fire alarm goes off, then that is just natural selection at work.  As a matter of fact, fire drills endanger people more than they help people, because in the event of an actual fire emergency people will think "oh this is just another stupid fire drill designed to ruin my day, I don't actually need to leave."  If you REALLY want to make sure kids know what to do, please just have the fire drill at the very beginning of the school year when it's not a mid-October surprise.  My message to the administration is simple:

Anyways, as you can probably imagine, this fire drill totally killed my nap.  When we were finally let back into the building, my nap mood was gone.  I was still exhausted as fuck, but I couldn't fall back asleep.

Good job Hopkins, another successful attempt to ruin my day. Bravo, I hope you bastards enjoyed it.

Life is too short for...

1. Taking the stairs.  Like seriously, stairs are so 1892.  Long live the elevator.
2. Separate shampoo and conditioner.  2-in-1 is literally the bees knees.
3. Ordering off the Dollar Menu.  Seriously doe, you might die tomorrow.  Get that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
4. Going to class.  'Nuff said.
5. Diet soda.  Like you'll get hit by a bus before you get diabetes.  Drink that regular Coke.
6. Not using the snooze button.  Refer to #4.
7. Ordering the small size. Get that amazing America size Big Gulp.  Life is too short to be unsatisfied.
8. Removing USB safely.  Your PC will survive.  However a Mac might not.
9. Being fake.  Be yourself and maybe your time on this earth won't entirely suck.
10. Waiting.  You want a PS4?  Get it.  Life is too short to wait for a price drop.
11. Fear.  Talk to that cute boy you have a crush on - worst case scenario he thinks you're ugly / best case scenario he fucks you.  Life is too short not to try.