Professor Buttface's Final Act of Douchebaggery

Okay I know it's been a while.  I feel like every time I make a blog post now I have to include the requisite apology for not posting in a while...  Well I suppose my apologies don't hold much weight anymore but whatever, if you're mad at me you can just swerve.

So remember the new Professor Buttface who I hate so much?  Well I survived his class (gasp!).  As a matter of fact, I got a fucking A.  So if I got an A (which is a rare occurrence, believe me), how can I possibly have something to bitch about?

Well, earlier this semester, after having not attended any of his lectures for 2 consecutive weeks, I decided it was probably a good idea to switch the class to pass/fail.  This way I only had to get a C and I could walk away unharmed.  And being as the new Professor Buttface kept hyping up how hard the final exam was gonna be, I didn't want to risk hurting my GPA for a class that has no significance whatsoever.  Like I'm not exaggerating, this guy made it sound like the final exam was going to be tougher than FFC roast beef.  He told us "If you don't attend lecture, if you don't take good notes, or if you don't pay attention, YOU SHALL NOT PASS."

I heeded his warning.  I don't have time to play games.  Like if your final is going to be my death knell, that's cool because I took the appropriate precaution and switched your class to pass/fail.  He promised our exam was going to be comprised of 6 essays and a short-answer section.  He even gave us a list of 10 possible essay topics and it verbatim said "on the exam you will have to answer 6 of the following 10 questions."  In reality, the exam had only 3 essays and just 2 short answer questions.  Like seriously?  This guy is simply a douchebag.  Don't make us shit ourselves when you have no intention of actually fucking us.  UGHHHH  Thank God I never have to deal with this pathetic excuse for a teacher ever again.  I only have 2 things to say to him:

Sometimes You Just Can't Win...

So on this fine Saturday, I was bored and decided I wanted a new video game.  I could just download a game from the PlayStation Store to my PS3, but I'm old fashioned and prefer to buy my games on Blu-ray Disc.  IDK, there's just something about having the box and the manual and it being a tangible disc that I like.  The problem with this is that I wanted a game to play TODAY, so ordering from Amazon was out of the question.

After pondering for a while, I had the idea to check out if Walmart carried it.  Low and behold, Walmart did have it, and said "available for store pick-up TODAY."  "Perfect," I thought.  So I went ahead and ordered it for store pickup.

I arrived at Walmart about 3 hours later, and went back to the Walmart.com pick-up counter.  The lady pulls up my order, and goes to find the game.  Naturally God wouldn't have it any other way - they did not have the game.  She even went into the back to see if it was still in the loading dock, with no luck.  I asked her " So what were we going to do about this?"  She went and got her manager.  When the manager came out, she starts telling me "Yeah the system wasn't updated and we don't actually have it.  They already cancelled the order and refunded your money."  I was like "...how was I supposed to know this?"  Then this lady got super sassy with me (and I don't mean like gay BFF sassy, I mean like true bitch sassy) and says "Well you just gotta check your email and do whatever it says. Do what it tells you.  I can't do nothing about it."

Seeing as I was going to get nowhere with that cunt, I took a seat and called the Walmart.com customer support number.  After explaining what was going on, the guy gives me some long winded explanation about how Walmart stores and Walmart.com are two different entities and their systems are not synchronized, which is why the website said it was in stock when it was not actually in stock.  He says "Let me see if any other nearby Walmart has the item..."  He puts me on hold for 5 minutes.  When he comes back, he tells me a Walmart 20 miles away has it.  I said "look, THIS Walmart that I'm sitting in supposedly had the game in stock.  I came in today to buy a game so I could go home and play it.  I'm not driving all over goddamn creation, especially with the way your system works.  Can I just go choose a different game off the shelf?"  He tells me I can't since the order was automatically cancelled, so I would have to go find a game that's in stock and pay for it at the store.

So I go and find another game, but it is only available used.  I've never bought a used game before, but this was the only other game they had that I really wanted, so I said fuck it I'm just gonna go with this.  I then realized I didn't actually have the credit card that I used for the online order with me.  I ask a sales associate if I can make a new store-pickup order for this game (since that credit card was saved in my online account).  They said they weren't sure, but we could go up to the Customer Service desk at the front of the store to see if it could be done.

After walking all the way up there, that customer service person said they had no way to do it, but I could go back to the Walmart.com pick-up desk to see if they could do it.  Walking all the way back there (I'm really not exaggerating, it is literally all the way in the back of the store and this store is bigger than Paris Hilton's vagina), I repeat my story, and they said yes that's fine, but I would have to wait an additional 30 minutes for the order to come through to them before I could leave with the game.  I asked to see a different manager, so they went to get him.  I waited 15 minutes for this guy to appear.  When he finally comes out I tell him my story, but he gives me basically the same lecture about how Walmart and Walmart.com are two different things and such.  I said "look, I just want to go home and play my damn game, how can we do this?"  He was very nice and said "if you pay for the item here instead of ordering it on the website, I can give you a discount and you'll be out of here in five minutes."  Finally, I thought my ordeal was over.  He gave me the game for half the listed price and I just paid with cash (which is supposed to be my food money which is why I wanted to order it with a credit card in the first place).  After spending over an hour in Walmart, I finally have a game and I head home.

When I got home, I popped the disc in my PS3, opened a can of Coca-Cola, and propped my feet up.  I get the customary "Installing, Please Wait" screen...  But the bar never moves.  I try to quit the game and retry, but the PS3 is now frozen, so I have to unplug it to reset it.  I take the game out, clean it off, and try again.  The same thing happens again.  I repeat this process four more times, before finally giving up.  Turns out (according to the internet) that this is a widespread problem with the game, usually having to do with a scratched disc.  Even the slightest imperfection fucks up this particular game's installation process.  Why this game is so finicky I don't know, I have other games that are more scratched up than the arms of a cat person but they still work just fine.  Upon closer inspection, I notice there is a TINY little scratch on this game disc.  Why didn't they verify that the game worked before reselling it!?!?  Never again will I buy a used game.

So here I am, $20 poorer, after literally wasting my whole night at Walmart trying to get a goddamn game, and now the goddamn game that I would up with simply refuses to work.  Sometimes, you just can't win.

Funland a.k.a. Gettysburg College

Alright, I know you're disappointed in me.  "Where have you been the past three weeks," I'm sure you're thinking.  Well, I just haven't had my muse, which has made it impossible to write.  Fret no more, your prayers have been answered - here is a lengthy (oh baby) new post to satisfy your need for the T.  Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you about a trip I took a few weeks back.

I went to Gettysburg College to visit a friend and go to an drag show being put on by their LGBT group.  And to be honest, I really didn't expect much.  I was expecting a shitty party with a handful of people and a few butch guys trying to walk in heels.

Turns out, my expectations were shattered.  But first, let's start from the top.  After driving through the middle of nowhere, I arrived to find FREE PARKING.  If you don't live in the city, you probably take this for granted.  Free parking is as amazing as Lady Gaga simultaneously riding a unicorn and a disco stick.  Like seriously, in downtown Baltimore it's $2 per hour, and that's if you're even lucky enough to find a goddamn space.

We were hungry, so we went to their cafeteria for dinner.  This place is affectionately known as "Servo," and it puts the FFC to shame.  First thing I noticed, is how normal all the kids looked.  Like, everybody was just your typical average American college kid.  Nobody had that pretentious air of "I'm finding a cure for cancer with my research grant snarky snark snark" which most Hopkins kids seem to have.  It was just so refreshing to be in an environment where I didn't feel completely inferior to everyone.  And furthermore, these kids were HAPPY.  Like they were just generally happy to be alive.  I didn't realize such happiness was a real thing at college.

Once I got over looking at the happy people, I turned my attention to the food...  Behold! All the food was instantly recognizable!!  On this particular night, the appetizers included dumplings, chicken sammiches, and enchiladas.  And let me tell you, the dumplings they had were better than any Chinese restaurant in Baltimore.

**Side note - You know I love Charm City, but why the hell isn't there a single decent Chinese restaurant in this city??  Like seriously I have yet to find a half-decent Chinese place.  If you know of any PLEASE tell me!  This Jew needs his Chinese food fix.

Anyways, back to Servo.  For the dinner section, they had BBQ ribs, au gratin potatoes, and green beans.  Like OMFG, food that I actually know what it is!!!  I haven't been back to the FFC in 3 years, largely because I never knew what the fuck they were serving.  All I ever ate at the FFC was pizza and cereal, because those were the only two familar foods they had.  Like seriously, they were always experimenting with some weird-ass ethnic food and shit.  This is America goddammit, if I wanted that crap they call food I'd go to some third world country.

Anyways, then after dinner we went to the drag show.  Gettysburg College has a nightclub on campus.  Like step back for a moment and let that sink in.  They have a FUCKING NIGHTCLUB on campus.  And it is LEGIT.  It has a stage and an awesome light system and a big dance floor and A BAR.  A BAR THAT SERVES ALCOHOL.  Now granted, I don't drink, but still.  A LEGITIMATE BAR ON CAMPUS.  Like no wonder everybody at this place seems so fucking happy.  And once the show started, holy crap.  They actually hired REAL drag performers from Philly.  The show was fucking fantastic!!  One of the queens did a set of Whitney Houston - I still cannot explain how I didn't completely lose my composure for that one.

Moral of the story is that while Hopkins is an incredible academic environment, if you want to have a well-rounded college experience that doesn't make you wish that one of the crazy Baltimore City bus drivers would run you over, you should go somewhere else.  And Gettysburg would be a great choice.

Goddamn Fire Drill

I had a big paper due Monday at noon, so naturally I didn't start it until 3 AM Monday morning (some may say my procrastinitis has reached near-fatal status).  I stayed up the entire night working on it, and luckily I finished it right before class (miracles never cease)...

I got home from classes later that day at around 3 PM, and I was fucking exhausted.  Like I was more tired than Selena after spending the night at Justin's house.  So when I got to my room, I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed.  It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.  My bed literally felt better than seeing the look on a Democrat's face after a tax-reduction victory for the American people.

And then Hopkins struck.  "ALERT.  THERE HAS BEEN A FIRE EMERGENCY IN THE BUILDING.  PLEASE EXIT IMMEDIATELY BY THE NEAREST STAIRWELL."  In my state of half-consciousness I was like "what the fuckkk???".  Then I realized that Hopkins must have been tipped off about my nap and that this was actually happening.  I jumped out of bed, grabbed all the earthly possessions I could, and headed out of my room to climb down 12 GODDAMN FLIGHTS of stairs.

*Sidenote: Since there was an ACTUAL fire in the building last year, you never know whether it is just a drill or if one of the brilliant youths has lit their mattress on fire again.  Hopkins kids are supposed to be smart, right?  Some fucking idiot actually tried their hardest to burn down the building last year by leaving a "cigarette" (because HEAVENS NO a Hopkins student would NEVER be caught with marijuana) on their bed.  During this incident we were prevented from re-entering the building for 7 HOURS.  Also all of the floors below the 9th floor were completely flooded from the sprinklers that went off...  The flood also broke both elevators and they were out of order for 8 days after the incident.  Moral of this story: Hopkins kids are literally fucking retarded.

Back to my story, after descending from the stratospheric height of the 12th floor, we are forced to wait outside in the rain for 15 minutes.  Mind you I'm literally in my pajamas and an undershirt.  All the RAs are barking orders at us to clear the sidewalk and go to the other side of the street.  Umm, excuse me?  Do you know who the fuck I am?  I am not going to the other side of the goddamn street, I am waiting right here in front of the building with a scowl on my face until your stupid little event is over.  The RAs all think they're so fucking superior during these drills, it's as if they actually believe they have authority over us.  It's kind of cute actually like awwww look at the little sad people trying to assert authority.  I only respect the authority of the Baltimore Police and Fire Departments, thank you very much.

*Sidenote 2: What is the point of fire drills??  Like seriously, it is not that difficult of a concept to master.  When the alarm goes off you grab your shit and leave.  It really does not require practice.  If some people don't know what to do when the fire alarm goes off, then that is just natural selection at work.  As a matter of fact, fire drills endanger people more than they help people, because in the event of an actual fire emergency people will think "oh this is just another stupid fire drill designed to ruin my day, I don't actually need to leave."  If you REALLY want to make sure kids know what to do, please just have the fire drill at the very beginning of the school year when it's not a mid-October surprise.  My message to the administration is simple:

Anyways, as you can probably imagine, this fire drill totally killed my nap.  When we were finally let back into the building, my nap mood was gone.  I was still exhausted as fuck, but I couldn't fall back asleep.

Good job Hopkins, another successful attempt to ruin my day. Bravo, I hope you bastards enjoyed it.

Life is too short for...

1. Taking the stairs.  Like seriously, stairs are so 1892.  Long live the elevator.
2. Separate shampoo and conditioner.  2-in-1 is literally the bees knees.
3. Ordering off the Dollar Menu.  Seriously doe, you might die tomorrow.  Get that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
4. Going to class.  'Nuff said.
5. Diet soda.  Like you'll get hit by a bus before you get diabetes.  Drink that regular Coke.
6. Not using the snooze button.  Refer to #4.
7. Ordering the small size. Get that amazing America size Big Gulp.  Life is too short to be unsatisfied.
8. Removing USB safely.  Your PC will survive.  However a Mac might not.
9. Being fake.  Be yourself and maybe your time on this earth won't entirely suck.
10. Waiting.  You want a PS4?  Get it.  Life is too short to wait for a price drop.
11. Fear.  Talk to that cute boy you have a crush on - worst case scenario he thinks you're ugly / best case scenario he fucks you.  Life is too short not to try.

Late for Class

So the New Professor Buttface is super anal about us being on time for lecture.  Like if you come in the door one second past 11:00:00 AM EST he actually takes offense to it.  Like in his mind, his lecture is the only we live and breathe each day.  I'm sorry, but the only reason I'm thankful I didn't die in my sleep is for my morning cup of coffee - not your dumbass lecture.

But anyways, okay sure whatever you have a stick up your ass about us being on time.  That's not totally outrageous, albeit annoying as fuck.  What is outrageous is that this bastard then has the audacity to keep us 5 minutes longer after class time ended!!!  Like dude, you shit bricks when we're late to your class, and then you make us late for our next class.  This is literally the definition of karma.  Like dude how can you be mad at us for being late when you then go and do the same thing to the next professor?

 

This guy is just so pompous, like so what you have a PhD? It's in fucking philosophy, like let me know when you get your engineering degree and actually contribute something to the real world.  Please just swerve.



Class Cancelled

You would think that class being cancelled would fill my heart with joy, right?  Well it would, if the goddamn professor had simply sent us a courtesy email to let us know!!  I legit got myself out of bed and showered and everything, only to discover that I didn't have to!?!?  I'm sorry but like if I get out of bed to come to your goddamn lecture you better have some brilliant fucking shit prepared for us.  Like it literally would have taken a minute for you to send a quick email.  That way I'd see it on my phone and I could go back to sleep.  I don't have time to be getting out of bed for no goddamn reason.

Goddamn Sickness

This cold is doing me in.  Like my head feels more stuffed up right now than a Paula Deen turkey at the KKK Thanksgiving celebration.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Nyquil for making life possible.  Seriously doe I can't even.  I promise I will get back to my usual self when I feel better.  Although now that I think about it I'm still a miserable scrooge even when I'm feeling fine...

Basic Bitches be Basic

First of all, a shout-out is in order to Bianca for giving me the inspiration for this post (and she may even have a blog of her own soon, so I will certainly be sharing that brilliant shit with you)!

Have you ever taken a stroll around our scenic Homewood campus during the school week?  If so, you have probably seen more basic bitches than most will see in their entire lifetime.  Like foreal doe, Hopkins kids are more basic than Pepto Bismol.

As I was making a futile attempt to get to class without being bothered, some kids had a jambox blasting their lame music.  And lesbihonest, in my opinion all music that isn't either Lady Gaga or Michael Jackson is lame.  Like I would have no issue with them if they were just chillen on the grass with their headphones on, because they could enjoy the sun and their lousy tunes while allowing me to reach my destination unbothered.  They literally had their speakers just to draw attention to themselves.  I'll even admit, I am a huge attention whore myself.  But I even have some small modicum of self respect not to make a goddamn fool of myself for the entire campus to witness.

And as if basic bitches need encouragement, Hopkins placed all those stupid colored chairs on the quads!  Like it's bad enough these dumb kids lay around in the grass, let's give them chairs too while we're at it!

Damn Sick Kids

Sorry I didn't post anything this weekend, but at least I have a great excuse for it that I can bitch about!  I was sick this weekend with a terrible sore throat.  Like literally I felt like the woman from the anti-smoking commercial with the hole in her throat.  Luckily I'm now starting to feel normal again.

Maybe if kids didn't feel so pressured to go to class when they're sick, these colds wouldn't spread so rapidly!  But that makes too much goddamn sense.  Teachers like the New Professor Buttface and my Bioethics TA are great examples of why kids feel like they can't take a day off even when they need to.  The result is that I get sick because Sniffles came to class and sneezed all over the goddamn place.  This is literally the Hopkins mentality:

I even had plans this weekend to go out with a friend, which I had to cancel because of this goddamn cold.  Literally the only time in my life I actually planned to have a social life, I get sick.  Sometimes the universe is just a hilarious fucking bitch.

Bioethics TA

So I'm taking Bioethics, and my TA for this class takes himself wayyyy too fucking seriously.  Like he legit thinks that my only reason to live and breathe is to come to his section meeting on Friday mornings.

He takes attendance.  Like he legit reads off our names and we have to reply by saying "present."  Last time I checked, I'm a senior undergraduate in college, not a fucking kindergartener.  This guy believes that attendance in section is paramount to survival on this planet.  Like I'm sorry dude but you're not that cool - the only reason I'm taking your dumbass class is because my dumbass department is forcing me to.  If I want to skip your damn section to sleep in on Friday mornings I should be allowed to.  I simply don't care about coming to section.  This gif pretty much explains how I feel about Bioethics section:

Goddamn Textbook Racket

What makes a goddamn book worth $250?  I'm sorry but like that's almost PS4 money.  A book is literally just bound paper, and you're telling me it's worth as much as my fucking kidney on the human organ black market??

Universities and book publishers have the biggest organized racket in the world.  Professors require you to get the book in order to do their goddamn homework assignments, so you really have no choice but to either buy the book, or bum it off one of your friends (who will soon no longer be one of your friends).  So with the complicity of the schools and their professors, the publishers can charge these exorbitant figures and we are at their mercy.

Maybe you think you're smart and can save some money by buying the books used?  Yeah right.  The publishers already have a failsafe in place to make sure you get fucked there too.  Every year they just release a new "edition" of the book.  All they have to do is rearrange the ordering of the homework problems and POOF now that old edition is useless to you and anyone else, making it worthless.

I am sick and tired of this.  I wanna be fucked by Channing Tatum, not McGraw-Hill.

Doing the Goddamn Laundry

I hate chores.  I never fully appreciated how amazing my mom is until I came to college.  One of the things that I never understood is how terrible doing laundry is.  Like jeesus I hate doing it just for myself, let alone for an entire household!  So thank you mom for being awesome.

But this brings me to my next point.  Doing laundry in the Hopkins facilities (specifically the Charles Commons laundry room) is horrible.  Allow me to outline my feelings on the matter:

1. Machines are never available.  I usually procrastinate doing my laundry long enough to require 2 machines simultaneously, which means I have to do laundry at 3 AM to get 2 goddamn machines.
2. The unavailability is not due to a lack of machines...  It is because these goddamn kids are too lazy to get their shit when it's done!  Go into any laundry room on campus, I guarantee you at least half the machines are occupied by laundry that is done and has just been sitting there for 3 fucking hours. 
3. If by the grace of almighty God you do happen to get a machine, it will undoubtedly be broken.  How many times have you loaded all your shit into a dryer, only to discover when you turn it on that it is more busted than Stevie Wonder's car after he tried to drive to the supermarket?
4. Oh, that busted-ass machine you just attempted to use?  IT COST YOU $1.25.  Everyone talks about how you'll get held up in Baltimore...  Well shit - you get robbed every time you do your fucking laundry!!!

Damn Kids in UniMini

So Wednesday night I was hungry at around midnight, and I really felt like a cheeseburger.  Sadly the ONLY place to get a cheeseburger at midnight here is UniMini.

So I sorta get my shit together and head over there.  Mind you I'm tired as fuck and not really feelin it.  I'm in my pajamas looking like a goddamn hobo.

Anyways I put in my order, and then this huge group of kids come in.  They're all dressed up - I'm talking about twig bitches in little black dresses and boys in ties.  These kids were so obnoxious - they were obviously intoxicated.  They were yelling profanities at the top of their lungs and just being a general embarrassment to society.

Believe me, I love profanity as much as anyone.  But like come on guys, you're acting a fool.  Compose yourselves.  We are supposed to be the generation that cures cancer.  Act like it.

Goddamn Kids in Restaurants

So the other night I went to dinner at Outback...  I know that's not a super swanky place, but it's not McDonald's so for my standards that's pretty damn classy.

Anyways, this brings me to my BIGGEST pet peeve in the whole world.  People who bring young children to restaurants.  If it was up to me, I would sentence these people to 50 years of hard labor in Siberia.

Like I swear to God, this drives me fucking crazy.  When I go out to dinner, I want to have a nice relaxing experience and enjoy my meal.  It never fails though, there's always that one family who has a loud, obnoxious, screaming, and crying child.  Nothing can ruin a perfectly good meal as quickly as that.  These people are so fucking inconsiderate!!  I'm sorry but until your little shitbag is old enough to understand that they can't be an embarrassing public nuisance, you cannot bring them with you to restaurants.  If you don't like that, you shouldn't have had the damn kid in the first place.  You can have dinner out, or you can have young children.  You CANNOT have both concurrently.

If I ever open a restaurant, I will institute a policy where no parties with children younger than 6 are permitted.  It is simply unfair to ALL the other patrons when your bratty little turd starts screaming as loud as a Catholic mother watching the Exorcist.

TA professionalism

So today in section for that dumb philosophy class, my TA kept interjecting his personal political opinions into his lecture.  Furthermore, these political jabs were not at all relevant to our discussion.  I tend to be aware of this kind of stuff just because I've noticed it happens more often than you'd think.

Some of the comments he made were particularly negative towards America.  He said: "America has the worst correctional system in the world.  The majority of those incarcerated are there for minor drug charges, and it's racist - 86% of all prisoners are black."

Okay that is a loaded statement. While it might have some merit, I find it disgusting that he would bash our country in front of students, many of whom are international.  Is America perfect?  No of course not.  But the middle of a philosophy section is not the time or place to disseminate your irrelevant opinions.  Furthermore, a white guy talking about race relations in America is never a recipe for success (and this TA is unquestionably white).

Then he went on to give his opinion about voting.  He said: "Don't vote. It's a waste of time because you can't change anything."  Again, dude that's your opinion.  And you're absolutely entitled to your opinions, that's the beauty of the First Amendment.  Personally I hold voting in very high regard - it is one of the fundamental rights you have as an American, to be able to choose your representatives in government.  For you to essentially call that right worthless is pretty insulting.  Again that statement might hold some merit - I'm don't believe my opinion is the only right answer.

Later in the section, we were discussing a philosophical concept about what is a person morally responsible for if they were forced do an action via coercion.  In order to illustrate a point, he used went back to his opinions on voting.  What he used as his example was: "if you are coerced to vote Republican, should you be held morally responsible for it?"

Ummm....  I'm sorry dude but that's not cool.  Like this philosophical question is meant to be used with regards to acts that are truly morally reprehensible, such as "if you are coerced to murder, should you be held morally responsible for it?"  Suggesting that voting Republican is morally objectionable is not cool.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not a member of the Rush Limbaugh fan club.  Hell I'm gay, I don't think the Republicans are angels.  But I also respect their opinions on certain issues, and I even agree with the GOP on a few things.  All this is to say that the Friday morning section for Philosophical Problems is not the place for politics, but even if it was, there are much more respectful ways to voice your opinions.

The New Professor Buttface Strikes Back!

I should probably come up with a new name for this guy since "the New Professor Buttface" is kinda wordy...

Anyways, the first paper for his class was due today (I just turned it in thank God now I can watch more Prison Break on Netflix - don't get me started about the dreamyness that is Wentworth Miller).  This whole week, I had been struggling trying to figure out the prompt, because it just didn't seem to correlate with anything we had read.  I was really starting to think "Jeesus am I really this dense? Like I can't be the only one completely confused by this vague prompt."

As part of our participation grade for this class, we have to post a 1-2 sentence response about the week's reading on Blackboard.  So yesterday when I went on Blackboard to post mine, I noticed my friend had made his post already, so I decided to read it just out of curiosity.  When I read his post, he was referencing shit that I had never heard about before.

And then it hit me.  The New Professor Buttface had intentionally omitted the relevant reading from the required reading list.  It was subtly mentioned in one of his lecture slides as a "suggested" reading.  But if you had not come to class and/or studied his lecture slides, you would have never known about this reading which was absolutely necessary to understanding the prompt for our paper assignment.  Making this shit even more convoluted, the relevant reading  was by the same author as the reading on the required list.  So when he told us "to read the Frankfurt Essay," he really should have said: "There are 2 Frankfurt readings and I want you to read both."

Like I was so fucking mad at this guy.  I am willing to do your fucking readings and your fucking assignments, but don't play Jigsaw with me.  I don't have time to play your goddamn mind games.  Just make it clear what you want me to do and I'll do it!  He did this to emphasize the importance of coming to lecture, but like come on.  It's one thing to give the kids that come to lecture some hints about what will be on the exam or something like that.  But to intentionally fuck with the students who decided a good night's sleep was worth more than your boring-ass lecture??  That is completely uncalled for.  Like I said, I understand teachers like to reward students for making the effort to come to lecture.  But actively setting traps for the students who don't attend lecture is beyond absurd.  Like dude you need to calm the fuck down, nobody in this goddamn universe cares about you or your course that much.

Ice Bucket Nonsense

Can we talk about the Ice Bucket Challenge?  Over the summer, my generation was somehow led to believe that dumping a bucket of ice water on their our INSTEAD of contributing money to the ALS foundation was an act of philanthropy.

Like am I the only one who sees how fucking stupid this is?  Dumping that bucket of water on your head accomplished nothing.  I will concede that if the point of the Ice Bucket Challenge was to simply create awareness of ALS, it succeeded on a superficial level.  People now know there's a disease and that it's called ALS.  Does anybody even really know what ALS is?  All I know is that Lou Gehrig had it, and I don't even really know who he is besides being a baseball player from before my time.  The IBC was simply a dumb excuse to make a stupid video for Facebook just to garner some "likes", because let's face it we're all internet attention whores.

Social media has given our generation this idea that getting a hashtag trending on Twitter is "activism".  I'm sorry but that's not activism.  Activism is the March on Washington.  It's the Stonewall Riots.  It's the iconic photo of a man facing the tanks in Tiananmen Square.  Like if doing the IBC made you feel special then good for you.  But don't lead yourself to believe that you've actually done shit for people with ALS.

McBreakfast

You know, most companies try to make it easy for their customers to come and spend money at their stores.  McDonald's obviously doesn't believe in this business strategy.  For some reason unbeknownst to me, the top brass at McCorporate think that timing the availability of McBreakfast so that it's impossible to ever get to is a good idea.  This is my plea to them.

Why do you time breakfast from 5:00 AM to 10:30 AM???  It is impossible to ever make it.  I often try to convince myself that I can stay up all night to get McBreakfast when the local McFranchise opens at 5:00, but inevitably every time I attempt this I realize at about 4:30 that I'm fucking tired and I need sleep more than a McGriddle.  Some people might say, "well why don't you just wake up before 10:30?"  Well, unlike some insane people, I am not and never will be a morning person.  It is impossible to will myself to wake up and get out of bed any time earlier than noon for something where my attendance isn't absolutely required.

I love McBreakfast.  The Steak Egg & Cheese Bagel is literally the greatest breakfast sammich in the history of this beautiful nation (I swear to God this is not hyperbole.  If you haven't ever had a SE&C Bagel, you are missing a culinary experience that is more euphoric than the use of narcotics).  And McDonald's Hash Browns?  They are literally the best use of the potato in the entire world.  I really don't think it's unreasonable for McDonald's to serve breakfast until noon every day.  McDonald's, NOBODY wants a fucking hamburger at 10:30 AM!!!

Bike People

Did you ever wonder why they're called SIDEWALKS?  They are for WALKING.  If they were for bicycles they'd be called sidelanes or something.  I am so tired of nearly getting mowed down every day on my way to and from class by people riding their goddamn bikes.

Like it would be bad enough if they even tried to be courteous to the people walking, but these cyclists have no respect for the pedestrians whatsoever!!  They weave in and out and around people like they think they're fucking NASCAR drivers!  They ride so goddamn fast!  Like I'm sorry but there is no class worth getting to that much, you need to slow it the fuck down.

And oh my fucking God don't get me started about when these idiot cyclists get on the actual street...  They don't observe the rules of the goddamn road!!  It's a miracle that we don't get security reports everyday about bicyclists getting killed by cars (and with the amount of Asians behind the wheels of vehicles around campus it really truly is a goddamn miracle).  The cyclists just cruise through red lights, they weave in and out of the bike lane, they don't even bother to indicate which way they plan to turn.  Like what makes them think that they're invincible to the 2 ton cars surrounding them?  I was bitching about this and my friend was like "you shouldn't be so critical of cyclists, not everybody can afford a car so bikes are their main mode of transportation."  My problem with them isn't that they can't afford a car!  My problem is that they ride like assholes!

The Original Professor Buttface

So I just realized, my first actual rant was titled "The New Professor Buttface".  But who is the Original Professor Buttface?  The man?  The myth?  The legend?  The Real Professor Buttface.  He was my Linear Algebra professor when I attempted to take the course last Spring.

How does one get the infamous title of Professor Buttface?  Well in his case, by being an arrogant jerk who took himself way too fucking seriously.  Allow me to elaborate.  This guy had never taught a course before.  He wasn't even really a professor, he was one of those graduate students who just don't know how to quit.  You see, after someone has been an actual professor for a while, they stop giving very many fucks.  After years of trying to get students to care, they all eventually realize that most of the students don't care, and trying to force them to care by implementing medieval rules won't change anything other than the negativity of the course evaluations at the end of the semester.  This guy was fresh and obviously far away from reaching that inevitable realization.  So he expected all 200 kids in his class to really truly care.  It's funny how new professors think that since we're Hopkins students we care and apply ourselves fully to every single thing we do.  In reality, probably about 195 of the 200 kids in that class were only there because it's a degree requirement or a pre-requisite for a class they actually want to take.  So to his disbelief, 97.5% of the kids there did not care.  I was part of the majority.

So that's the background story.  My actually beef with him began on the first lecture, when I couldn't understand anything he said because he had a thick accent, and making matters worse I couldn't understand anything he wrote on the chalkboard because his handwriting rivaled that of a baboon's.  After the first two weeks of class, I realized going to lecture wasn't going to help me much since I understood virtually nothing he said/wrote.  Our homework assignments were due on Fridays, so on the third Friday of the semester I took the liberty to get an extra hour of sleep, because I had already completed the homework the night before.  I decided I would just show up at the end of lecture to turn my homework in.

So when I showed up at 11:49 to turn in my homework at the end of lecture, I walked in and proceeded to put it in the collection folder.  Professor Buttface comes over to me and says "What are you doing?"  Startled, I looked at him and said "I'm turning in my homework..."  He says "But you just came in, you weren't in lecture!"  I reply "right..."  He's like "You can't do that!  It's disrespectful to me and it's not fair to the other students who turned theirs in at the beginning of lecture!"  I literally had to take a moment to realize holy shit this bastard is serious, he's actually going to give me grief about this.  So I tell him "I did the homework last night, I was sleeping this morning."  Now of course that wasn't the most diplomatic thing I could have said, but like come on this asshole is waterboarding me before noon.  Like I have zero tolerance for this kind of fuckery.  Meanwhile he's looking at me like I just murdered a puppy.  I continue, "If it makes you feel better I can email you my completed homework before 11 am so you know I didn't have any advantage over anyone else."  He raises his voice "But you can't just not come to lecture!!"  At which point I began to walk away.  In a final fit of desperation he exclaims "I will accept your homework today, but if you do this again I will not accept it and you will get zero credit!!"  Like okay bitch you need to swerve.  He legit said this to me like I should be ashamed of myself for committing such an atrocity against humanity and that I should be eternally grateful to his highness for granting me a pardon by accepting my homework this time.  This guy's ego was more inflated than the fucking Hindenburg.  I can't deal with people who take themselves that seriously when they don't deserve it.

Afterwards, my friend tried to convince me that I was the one who needed an ego check and that I should go apologize to him for disrespecting his self-anointed kingship.  After three days of my friend's pleading, I finally caved in and humiliated myself by going to his office in an attempt to right my apparently egregious wrongdoing.  As I expected, I left his office feeling no better about myself or him, so the following week I dropped the class, and fortunately I have never seen him since.

Subway Idiot

So being as there is essentially nowhere else to get food around here at 11 PM, I went to Subway for dinner tonight.  I tell the guy I want the footlong Italian Herb and Cheese bread (if you don't get the IH&C bread you are the definition of a basic bitch).  He pulls one out of the oven and it's essentially ripped in half.  I'm like "can you give me one that's not falling apart?"  That was an exercise in futility as the workers in Subway understand English about as well as I understand Quantum Physics...

Next I tell him I want the Italian BMT (which is the $5 footlong this month, I'm telling you get on that shit it's fucking delicious).  Then he goes and puts it in the oven without even asking me if I wanted it toasted.  I said "No I don't want it toasted", but he didn't pay attention to me.  He starts pressing the buttons on the oven and I literally had to go Madea on this bitch like "I SAID NOT TOASTED!!!"  By some act of Divine intervention he actually listened to me and took my sammich out of the damn oven.

Now here comes the most difficult part.  After the lettuce and tomatoes and shit I tell him "Mayo".  He gives me the teeniest little twig bitch squirt of mayo you've ever seen.  I'm like "can I please have a little more mayo?"  He then unloads 6 fucking gallons of mayonnaise on my sub.  LIKE REALLY.  I said "a little more" you bastard!

Finally, in the last act of disrespect, he gives me 1 single napkin.  Like dude, with all the fucking mayo you put on my sub I'm basically gonna need a goddamn industrial clean-up crew afterwards, and you only give me one fucking napkin??  What is the deal with napkins at Subway?  They don't have any napkins for you to take yourself, and when you ask for extra they act like the napkins are worth their weight in gold! 

Fucking Happy People

So after the relative seriousness of my previous post, I thought we need to dial it back a notch.

Like maybe I'm just jealous and bitter (and by "maybe" I mean "most definitely"), but like don't you hate it when you see happy people on campus?  By "happy people" I'm talking about those people who are happy and they know it and they want EVERYONE else to know it too.

For instance, there's this person in one of my classes who has a fucking gorgeous boyfriend.  One day after class, the gorgeous boyfriend is waiting there for them so they can walk to their next class together and hold hands and shit.  Like I said I'm just jelly, but ughhhhhh I would love to just tell them to be happy and live their perfect lives elsewhere where I can't see it.

Granted this is a little hypocritical of me because if I had such a fucking beautiful boyfriend I would totally want to flaunt it too, but for the time being I'm sad and alone so goddammit I CAN be bitter about it I don't have to apologize for anything!  #SorryNotSorry

Hopkins "Security"

Okay so this is gonna be a really long story and it's not as funny and sarcastic as my posts usually are, but I swear to God it's a true story and it's pretty ridiculous.  I spent the first two months of the summer here at JHU taking math classes (ughhhhh tell me about it).  At one point during the summer, my sister who's still in high school came here for a couple weeks.  So being the cool brother/sister pair that we are, we made plans to go out for dinner one day.

When that day came, I was tired as fuck after going to my fucking 9 am class (why on God's green Earth does the Registrar schedule summer classes at 9 am??), so I decided to climb back into my bed and take a nap.  And naturally I overslept.  So my sister showed up at the turnstiles in Charles Commons to meet me at our planned time, but I was dead to the world and my phone ringer was off so I had no idea she was here.  My poor sister tried calling me for an hour and then she got nervous thinking something had happened to me.  So she approached the security people at the desk in Commons and explained the situation to them and asked if they could please go upstairs to check on me to make sure I hadn't died or something.  They legit told her "no we can't do anything, you have to call him."  Like are these people stupid?  She literally sat on the bench in front of them for an hour trying to call me unsuccessfully.  Like what the fuck are they even here for?  Anyways, my patient sister waited another half hour and then called our dad and explained the situation to him, so he became concerned.  When she told him that our wonderful security refused to help her in any way, he was furious and called the security office himself.  After he read them the riot act, they agreed to send an officer up to check my room.

When the security officer came, my temporary summer roommate answered the door.  They asked him if he'd seen me today and he simply said "no" (this kid literally never talked to me the entire summer.  IDK what the fuck his deal was like he such a hermit he even made me look like a social butterfly, but that's another story lol).  So what does the security person do?  They simply take his word for it and leave!!

When the security person came back downstairs they told my sister (who had our dad on the phone) that I wasn't in my room.  My dad was like "did you check his room?"  and the security person was like "nah just I asked his roommate."  My dad literally had to tell this idiot "Would you go back up and actually check his room?"  Like I swear to God IDK how some people survive in this world.  So finally, they came back up and actually knocked on my bedroom door which woke me up, and that's basically the end of the story.

The reason I want to bitch about this anecdote here is to highlight the sheer incompetence of these security people.  Like first of all, Hopkins pays two people to sit at the desk in Commons 24 hours a day to do absolutely nothing.  Like why the fuck am I even getting an education?  I could just get a job as a Hopkins security person and get paid to sit at a desk all day and do nothing except play Angry Birds on my phone.  Second of all, they gave zero fucks about me or my sister's concern.  Like even if they truly had no authority to do anything, they could have at least given her the phone number for the security office to have her take it up with them.  They literally were just like "sorry there's nothing we can do."

Granted, there are some exceptional people in the Hopkins Security department.  Officer Ramirez is great.  He once helped me with my A/C when it wasn't working.  Like if you ever need anything he is the guy you want to find.  Also back in sophomore year, Ms. Trenda in McCoy was my gurl!  She was hilarious and sweet and actually gave a fuck about the wellbeing of her residents.  The security guy on the morning shift in Commons is also very nice, he always talks about the Orioles with me.  So I don't want to paint the whole department as bad.  I just think it's absolutely ridiculous how the personnel present that night handled the situation, and it makes me wonder what would happen in the event (God forbid) that something tragic actually did happen to a resident?

Hopkins Wi-Fi

The internet on campus has never been especially great, but before this year it was at least functional.  What the fuck happened?  Now if you try to load YouTube in the library (and lesbihonest we all go on YouTube to procrastinate), you'll wait longer for the damn video to load than you would wait at the fucking DMV to get new tags for your car.  Like Jeesus I'm a senior now, my days are numbered.  I don't want to spend this last year at Hopkins just waiting for a goddamn funny cat video to load.

The Gym

Okay so this post is going to be a list of every excuse I've ever used to not go to the gym:

1. The gym is 3 light-years away.  Like I'm sorry but if I'm already out of breath and sweating before I even begin my workout, I'm turning the fuck around.
2. The gym is HOT.  Have you ever been to the cardio room?  It is so hot I swear to God you could fry an egg on the floor.
3. It stinks.  Imagine a skunk sitting on your face.  Welcome to the Rec Center!
4. There are not enough machines.  Unless you plan your arrival absolutely perfectly (like I'm talking about some kind of Ocean's Eleven mastermind plan kinda shit), the chances of you getting the machine you want are about as good as the chances of you meeting a sober Lindsay Lohan.
5. All the Judgemental Judys that go there.  Like seriously I know my life is a mess you don't need to remind me with condescending looks like believe me I'm fucking miserable already.
6. Literally this:

The Quest to Wyman Park

Okay can we talk about the Wyman Park Building?  This building is in the most remote fucking place on campus (Like this bitch is even farther away than Olin Hall which is literally situated on the side of a fucking cliff behind San Martin Drive).  Like the only way to get to WPB in one shot without passing out is to hail a cab and have them drive you there.

In order to survive the journey on foot, the only surmountable approach is to establish base-camp at the ECE Lounge in Barton Hall, where we can restore our vigor in order to make it the rest of the way.

If you are lucky enough to make the voyage to Wyman Park and live to tell the tale, you are one of the Hopkins elite.  Bravo and Godspeed, good sir.

Fucking Philosophy People

Our first "homework" in my retarded philosophy class was to write a short a 1-2 sentence post in the Discussions section of Blackboard reflecting on this week's reading assignment.  So in a rare occurrence of me actually giving a fuck, I did the reading and prepared good-faith response to put on Blackboard.

After proudly posting mine I thought "gee I wonder what other people had to say?"...   Lo and behold, I come to discover these bitches literally wrote their fucking Masters Thesis on Blackboard.  I shit you not, some of these responses were 800 words long.  Like really?  Their last names weren't even Asian!!  This is absurd!!  Like it's one thing to be a try-hard, but this is literally just a simple way for the TAs to give participation points, and these bitches are treating it like a fucking term paper.  I just can't even sometimes.

Like these kids need to get a life.  And this is coming from the kid who literally just goes to class and comes back to his room to get in his pajamas to watch TV all night long.

Eco Nuts

So as part of the "renovations" being made to my beloved Barton Hall (Home of the super cool ECE Department), they removed the light switches from our lounge and replaced them with motion sensors.  In theory, this should be great because if nobody is in the room, the lights will automatically turn off to save energy.  In reality, this is the most annoying thing since YouTube implemented advertisements (Jeesus I feel old... I remember the good ole days before Google bought and subsequently bastardized the once great video service known as YouTube).

While attempting to do my homework in the ECE lounge today, the lights abruptly shut off.  At first I thought "oh jeesus don't tell me the power's out", but then I quickly realized it was just the dumb light motion sensors.  To make the lights come back on, I had to flail my arms around like Terri Schaivo trying to swat a fly in order for the motion sensor to acknowledge my presence.  A minor annoyance, but not the end of the world....

That was until 5 MINUTES LATER, when it happened again.  And again 5 MINUTES AFTER THAT.  Every fucking 5 minutes the goddamn lights turn off.  Either this is just a hilarious prank, or Hopkins has figured out the only way to get me to exercise.  Like I'm all for saving energy, but lets be real - the cost of the stupid motion sensors won't be recouped in energy savings for 5 years.  Not to mention IT IS ANNOYING AS FUCK.  Like please Hopkins just put the normal light switches back.  Kthx.

Levering food

This will probably be one of the most frequently bitched about topics on this blog - food.  Specifically, how absolutely terrible (and extremely overpriced) the offerings here are.

Today I went to Levering between classes to grab lunch.  I ordered a turkey burger with sweet potato fries and a soda from the grill station.  Somehow they have taken what was already mediocre last year and made it downright terrible.  Now one might think, "well what the fuck did you expect Jackson, it's a turkey burger.  You should have ordered a normal cheeseburger."  I would reply to this argument that ahhh yes, in any other dining establishment across the continental United States this would be true.  But at the esteemed dining institutions here at the Johns Hopkins University, the hamburgers are so overcooked and dried out, they could be used as brillo pads.  Foreal doe, you could drop one hamburger into a bathtub full of water and WHOOSH it would simply absorb all 30 gallons of water - it is THAT dried out.

So that is why I chose the turkey burger in the first place, because perchance it might not be overcooked to death.  Alas I was wrong.  It was more dry than an Amish person's sense of humor.  And tasteless.  I swear to god the biodegradable container it came in had more taste than the turkey burger itself.  Now I will give credit where credit is due - the sweet potato fries were decent.  I mean they weren't particularly hot or fresh or delicious but they could at least be eaten without grimacing.

But anyways, I digress.  Moral of the story is do not order the turkey burger.  Or anything from Levering for that fact.  The person checking out in front of me got something from the noodle station and I shit you not it looked like diarrhea in a cup.

Twig bitches

In such a typical Hopkins move, I have class with the new Professor Buttface in what is arguably the hottest room on campus.  And not hot in the sense that there are lots of boys to look at - hot in the sense that it's just FUCKING HOT.  Like apparently the Biology majors are trying to create a replica of the Amazonian rainforest ecosystem inside Shaffer hall.  Like holy shit, by the time lecture ends every day I'm sweating like a whore in church.

I'm convinced that Hopkins simply hates fat kids.  Like I'm sorry but I have some insulation and when the classroom is 85 fucking degrees I can't even focus on the nonsense this lecturer is spewing forth.  Of course, on the VERY rare occasions when God smiles upon me and Hopkins turns on the A/C, there will always be that group of twig bitches shivering and complaining it's too cold...  Well you know what twig bitches?  PUT ON A FUCKING SWEATER.

The new Professor Buttface

So I'm taking this stupid philosophy class to fulfill my dumb humanities requirement...  The course description made it sound interesting but really it's just this douchey professor who throws around big phrases like "causal determinism" and "free will" just so he can hear himself talk.

So yesterday in lecture he gives us our first paper assignment, and hands it out on pieces of paper to all the students... 

At the end of lecture I politely inquire "Would it be possible to email us this assignment?"
He responds: "NO I CANNOT!  This is so you will come to class!  Since you came it's for YOUR BENEFIT!"

Like really asshole?  I simply wanted a digital copy because I will undoubtedly lose this piece of paper before the night before the assignment is due (which is when I plan to start it lol).  This guy gets all up in my biznezz telling me it's good for me!!  I really wanted to be like "FINE FUCK YOU TOO", but I refrained and simply left to go to my next class.

This experience was like when you go home for the holidays and your annoying aunt won't let you eat until you've said grace because she wants to save you from eternal damnation.  Like bitch swerve I'm hungry, I'll take my chances.

First things first...

This blog is where I'm going to rant about things so that my friends aren't subjected to long angry text message threads when I'm upset.  In fact, the idea for this blog came from when one such friend told me to start such a blog.  So thanks to them, my rants are now available for you all to enjoy.

With that said, let the bitching begin!